Fool me twice......

Or a hundred.

Shame on ME.

So yeah, I got burned by my family again. For the last fucking time. I can take no more. So I won't. Fuck them.

anyway, the story.

So I had to renew my instrument rating on airplanes. there was a school in the same city as chopper training, but they went out of business the day before I was to start. So I had to start looking for plan B.

A friend of mine does some teaching on a twin engine aircraft in the city my mother lives in, so I stupidly decided to use that option.

Mom got me flights to and from. I was to arrive on Monday, and leave Friday.

that is a long time for me. Alone. With her. In that house. Alone. With her.

You get my drift.

I was doing so well. Tuesday I had to drive for over an hour each way to take her to a dr's appointment. Then I went flying. I was busy, all was good.

Wednesday I got up very early and flew again, and then did my flight test.

So my list of things to do was now complete. In retrospect I should have seen it coming.

My buddy and I decided to go out for some beers that night. He had just done his recurrent flight test as well, so that's just what pilots do. Flight test = copious beer drinking.

Let mom know I was going out.

And funny enough, things started to go to shit almost immediately. I could see the pinched look on her face when I announced my plans.

And then she started in about my dad. How I 'have no idea at all' what that was like for her.

Have I ever said otherwise????? I get that. I get that being left alone after 36 years of marriage would be a bit of a shock.

But she went on and on..and honestly? I have run out of caring. Can we all move on please?

guess not.

So it ended up with me storming out into the night with no key to get back home.

I slept on a boat.

Next day I get back home.

All was peaceful for a while. Then she returned. And started in again.

And then it happened. the moment everything made sense for once.

When she said..."well, your brother is never going to forgive you for what you said about the cottage in (get fucking this...) 2006."

WHAT?????

So yeah, apparently back in Feb of 2006 when I was visiting my brother (you know, paid to go and visit, nothing that he has ever done on his end...EVER) I happened to say..."we need to figure out what to do about the cottage"

I guess the unforgivable part was WE. In that I left out mother.

Uhm...ok? I mean I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page, and wanted her to not sell. I could care fucking less what it is worth. Honestly, burn all the goddamn buildings down for all I care. It's the place that means something to me.

But I guess they dont' get that. They think I'm a greedy monster. One so foul that I am not allowed to be part of the lives of my nieces.

and they sat on this, talking about me for over 3 fucking years.

I am beyond blown away. This is the person I did so much for as a teenager. I drove him all over Michigan for skateboard competitions. I took him to punk rock shows. I did damage control on his fucking reputation around town every time he fucked up. I was the one out hosing puke off the fucking driveway at 6am so he would not get into trouble.

Yet I am the evil one.

and let's not forget last summer, when they were in the province and never called. and all that was blamed on me. Well, now everything is pretty obvious, isn't it? I mean, I shall be unforgiven...so of course he'd want to keep his kids away from me. Can we just be fucking honest? For once???

Yet they tried to make me crazy. Again.

Because I'll tell you, by the time I got back home I had no fucking idea what was real anymore. AT all. It was frightening. I really dont' know how I survived growing up in that twisted nightmare. Honestly, I think I'm still here by pure luck.

So that is that.

As far as I am concerned I no longer have a brother. I will only deal with mother in the smallest of fucking doses, and never alone. I will tolerate her. But I do not love her. Or particularly care.

And as mother said.."you can take care of yourself".

That's the only true thing you have ever said to me mother, and the only reason I can is because I had to. So fuck you. Both.

I'm gone.

That Bad Place.

Will things ever look better?

Will my life ever not cause me pain like it does today?

Will I ever not want things to just end in a big fireball so I don't have to feel anymore?

I have been crying for over a month. Like every fucking day.

All I see it this.

Us.

here.

Alone.

Same shit to talk about every fucking day.

Don't get me wrong. I love Mr. Dagny. To death. But I can't shake this feeling of emptiness. Hollowness.

I can't stop crying.

And I don't see things getting better.

EVER.

The reason.

In these fucked up times there are lots of words being tossed around.

Words like Socialism.

As most of you know, I kinda lean in that general direction somewhat. (*snort*) Anyway, while thinking about it recently I was reminded of the event that got me thinking about life, the universe and everything. Well, not exactly that, but it did cause my child brain to do a double take. And as the years have gone by that has not changed. I have heard the saying, when you are young and stupid you are a liberal, when you are old and smarter you are a conservative. Well, I am no longer young, and I am still this way. So ner.

Anyway, my story.

Back when I was about 12 years old I happened to be at McDonalds with some friends. We were ordering our food, and I happened to notice this guy working there. You know the one, the guy with Down's with the mop and bucket. He was smiling, and enjoying his work, and from what I could see, he was doing a wonderful job.

So we sat down to eat, and probably started to chat about little girl things while we ate our cheeseburgers and fries.

But somewhere in the back of my mind I had started to think about things.

And I got to wondering about fairness. And trying your best. And how it would only make sense to reward those that worked the hardest. I mean, makes sense in a fair world right?

But he would never be rewarded for his hard worked days with the mop and bucket. Sure he'd make a wage of some sort, but he'd never be living in one of those big houses on the lake, that's for sure.

Then I'd hear the HAVE's, talking about the poor. Saying that they (meaning the people that lived on the 'other side of town') 'obviously don't work as hard, otherwise they'd be living next door to me (you know, on the lake)'

And I'd think back to that guy at McDonalds. And how it wasn't his fault he was born the way he was. That was just the luck of the chromosomes. And how no matter how hard and how long he worked, he'd never have as much as my own Dad provided for us.

I started to open my eyes.

I saw those with all the opportunities in the world putting down those less fortunate. Saying 'others have made it out, everyone should be able to. They are just lazy, otherwise they'd have the big house like me'. And I looked at them, with their parent paid university education and wondered how the fuck they would know?

I mean really? How would they?

And yes, I was raised with more than most. I had figure skating lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics, swimming, Finnish, squash and tennis...I could go on. And all of those life experiences have in some way created who I am, and also provided me with things that someone without would not have. Like knowing at a young age that if you work hard you can achieve your goals. Things like that.

Anyway, I probably haven't even really explained myself that well. But it is what it is. I just want people to remember when they see someone with less it doesn't mean they don't work as hard as you do. Maybe they aren't as smart as you. Maybe they didnt' get a post secondary education because that was just too much. Maybe they work harder than you could even imagine at their manual labour job, for peanuts.

And I see the have's. Demanding bailouts from the government, holding countries hostage. All the while screaming for tax cuts and cuts to social programs for the less fortunate.

Who are the welfare queens now?

In the words of Billy Bragg.

"Just because you're better than me,
Doesn't mean I'm lazy.

Just because your going forward,
Doesn't mean I'm going backward."

Reality.

October hasn't been fun. But I was prepared for that.

What I wasn't really prepared for was hating Halloween for the first time in my life. I didnt' know why I felt this way, but good thing Mr. Dagny is more in touch with his emotions...so he filled me in. Makes sense. *sigh*

So yeah. My baby would have been born around Halloween. Many, many years ago. But he was not. I have accepted this fact for all those years. Yeah, I have gotten sad, but usually more around of the day of the event, not the edd. But not this year.

What was I doing this time last year? Well, I will tell you. I was ramping up for IVF#2. Full of hope and optimism, or at least as much as I allow myself. And just because I wasn't posting that I hopehopehoped things work, doesn't mean I didn't have hopes, dreams. Everything other people have.

so yeah, where was I. Halloween. Last year cycling.

Last year was the last time I could tell myself..."next year things will be different. the IVF will work, and a few months before Halloween we will have a baby, and Halloween will be so fun."

Now I have to face reality for the first time ever.

There is no chance of there being a baby next year. That is gone. So I stare at all the decorations, and kids costumes, and my heart aches. Aches smaches...it fucking shatters. Into a million pieces.

My reality.

My shitty, lonely, worthless reality.

Or so it feels anyway.

and my SIL has now cut us off from even seeing pics of our nieces. So my heart is broken for more than one reason. Even the two little girls I am related to aren't allowed to be a part of my life. Because there is apparently somethings wrong with Mr. Dagny and myself. something so horrible we must be kept away from them.

*sigh* again.

Anyway, no pumpkin here. No decorations. They sit, packed away in their tupperware bins. Maybe forever. I really do think I was collecting it all in hopes of what might have been.

But that is not to be.

Happy Halloween everyone.

Vindication.

Ever since this stupid 'the secret' revolution. Ever since everyone and their damn dog was forcing happiness upon themselves and everyone else, even if their damn dog died.

I always thought it was crap. sorry. But life is what it is. No amount of positive thinking is going to change the randomness of life.

But being told you don't get what you want because you didn't want it enough?

Cruel and unusual bullshit. Sorry folks.

I can't even begin to count the number of times I was told that I didn't get pregnant because I was too negative. That I had to be positive, else it would not work. And then it didn't work. And I was supposed to blame myself. For not wanting it enough.

And really, when you think about it, is that a nice thing to do to a person?

I think not.

anyway, this wonderful saint of a woman has written a book all about it. About how harmful this type of ridiculous thinking is. I haven't read the book yet, I just heard her on the radio last week and went..."AH HA!!"

Then I got this link today. So I will share. Because I think she speaks the truth.

Perils of Positive Thinking: Author Ehrenreich Points out the Negative Influence of the Constantly Upbeat

update

Yeah. Not really into this blogging thing anymore, guess my life just is what it is. Nothing interesting going on. No wonderful preggo updates (sorry, I just LOL'd there). No ranting about my unfortunate situation.

It is what it is. I'm detached again. Must be the winter coming? Or the fact I have no friends. It's hard when you realize that. I mean, not like I don't know I have none, but some days are lonelier than others I guess.

so yeah, update.

1) visit with mom went very well. freaky. I guess this new and improved mom is here to stay? I will keep my guard up, but seems promising so far.

2) no airplane flying yet. dude kinda dicked me over yesterday, and re scheduled for today, but I woke up with a plugged up ear, so no leaving the earth for me today. Hopefully tomorrow, I'd like to get this done.

3) got all my hair chopped off again. very short. It's ok. better than it was anyway.

4) Mr. Dagny has had to deal with a baby boom at work. he had never gone through that before. I know more than I ever did about how my being broken has done to another person. and I hate myself for it.

5) can I just enter menopause already please? I mean, my parts don't fucking work, so why the fuck do I have to endure excruciating cramps (which are FAR worse post IVF's than before, just another thing to be so 'grateful' for I suppose) month after month? It's like a punch in the face every fucking time.

6) I wanted a puppy, but I dont' think I'm even good enough for that. I had thought I was on the list, but like usual, I am forgotten. Not even a fucking puppy. I get nothing.

7) I guess I'm entering the fall depression. should be a good time.

That's about it.

tomorrow

I will probably be flying an airplane.

that seems strange.

Should be interesting.

off to the cottage

for the weekend.

with mom.

wish us luck.

it's October.

I had almost forgotten to remember.

almost. but not quite. My brain is sneaky that way.

but now I do.

and the tears flow, like they do every March and October. Like they will until they day I die.


and I think about what might have been. If I had been stronger. If I had felt less alone. If I had not been a coward.

I'm so sorry. I will never forgive myself.

Never.

Vale Inco strike.

So we have a huge miners strike going on in my city atm.

A bit of background.

Inco has been a part of Sudbury for about oh, 100 years.

sure there were strikes over that time, but it was those strikes that brought the workers safer working conditions and fair pensions.

then 2006 happened.

no one is really sure of all the facts, the government will not release them to the public. Which I would imagine means there was some crooked shit that went down. not a shock considering who was and is in power here these days.

But we do know is that a giant company from Brazil swooped in, and prevented the merger of two Canadian companies. (which was being stalled by the Harper government.....something fishy smelling here I tell you) And bought INCO for cash.

And they made promises. No layoff's for at least 3 years. Other crap. And life went on. The price of nickel was high, and the miners were making great nickel bonuses, and the company was raking in money hand over fist.

Then America single-handedly crashed the world's economy.

It was 2008.

and Vale INCO laid off over 600 people.

they had broken their first promise, and no one did anything. The neo con minster of industry actually had the fucking audacity to claim that if it wasn't for vale that Sudbury would be ' like the valley of death'. which was completely and utterly untrue.

And then it was contract time for the USW6500.

and Vale wanted to slash their pensions. discontinue the nickel bonus. As well as other shit. and the workers were having none of it.

So 3 months ago they went on strike.

And thanks to the fucking Mike Harris provincial government of the mid 90's...well, scab labour is allowed.

so instead of going to the table with their workers, Vale is training office staff to be miners. And the Ontario workplace and safety board seems to not care.

the mines are to be filled with newly trained scabs.

As far as I'm concerned this amounts to about the same as this: Air Canada's pilots go on strike. Air Canada decides to train its flight attendants to fly the planes. As soon as their licenses are dry they are on the line, flying passengers. Not like normal, where there would be an experienced crew member on board. But with two completely green pilots. I would not bet on those flights making their destination if anything out of the ordinary were to happen.

And I'm willing to be the same thing will be happening in the mines. Newbies operating the smelter. newbies blasting with explosives...under my fucking house. Newbies getting seriously injured or worse in the mines.

anyway, the company refuses to negotiate with the workers. They keep going to court to whine like little bitches about how 'horrible' the strikers walking the line are. accusing strikers of illegal activity and having them fired without trial.

And they train the scabs. All this money could just be going to the workers. Vale is losing money. But they are looking at the big picture. The one that has the miners of Sudbury on a level with third world workers. They see HUGE profits for the next 50 years if they can break the union. And turn my city into a third world nation. (In 2006 Inco was removed from the FTSE4GOOD index for failing to meet their human rights criteria. The company has had disputes with native groups and environmental concerns over mine runoff.)

Oh, and did I mention that between 2006 and 2008 the total bonuses going to upper management went from 15billion to 33 billion. Same number of people, over double the bonuses. But the miners apparently make too much money. THE FACTS ON VALE

greedy motherfuckers.

And now there is the people of my city. who have obviously been trained well. trained to be greedy and jealous when someone else earns a good living.

so the cries of "well, if they don't want their job, I'll do it for cheaper" ring about town.

It makes me sick.

I want the miners to know I am behind them. and that I am proud of them for taking a stand.

If any of you have facebook, and would like to offer some support could you please click this link and join the group on facebook? I know they are feeling beat down, especially with how the community is treating them (and seriously, WTF people?????? Have we really fallen this far???? really?????)and maybe knowing the world is watching would help.

Even Michael Moore walked the red carpet in Toronto at the film festival with 4 miners, and had an advance showing of his new movie here in sudbury for the strikers. The world needs to watch. The world needs to know. This is important. How this ends will decide where my city and country are going. And I'd really like to see it go in the correct direction, and not be used up and thrown away by greedy capitalists. Thanks in advance.

feeling better.

I've been in a bit of a bad place lately. Chock it up to the decreasing light levels I guess, in the north it gets dark fast. can't wait until mid December....dark by 4pm.

anyway yeah. Been having a bit of a pity party as of late. Had convinced myself that I was going to kill myself in a chopper due to my incompetence as a pilot. Convinced that my instructor thought I sucked. And just a low level feeling of doom. I hate the impending feeling of doom (IFD). It sucks. I figure it is just a throw back from my childhood. when my mother went on one of her 'not talking to you dagny' phases I was never aware when they would start. I usually had no idea why. I could not ask because no one was talking to me. This could go on for weeks.

Fucking sick and creepy when I think about it now. then it was just part of life. No wonder I had an ulcer by the age of 15. fuck me. does explain the IFD though. :)

For once I decided to ask about something. Spoke to my instructor. He said I'm fine, and the last person he'd worry about sending them off to work. So that's good.

I put the electrocuted guy in perspecitve. that was hard. I've been trapped in my 'death obsession' for quite some time now. So to rationalize this one is a biggie for me...LOL

Then there is my mother. Things have been pretty good lately. fucking strange. But now I find that I am on guard. My walls are back up. because...with her, you just never know. And a few months good behaviour on her part does NOT mean she has changed. It just means she is able to keep the act up a bit longer than usual. Yes, maybe she really is a different person now. but it's very hard for me to trust/believe that. Not after everything. so I'm trying to be nice, to be a good daughter. But it is hard. I think my childhood gave me some PTSD. And the closer I get to mom, the more I can feel it. Panic.

Not totally sure what to do about that. As I said, cant' talk to her about it. can't change the past. So what can I do? I have forgiven her for as much as I can, and probably more than I should. But I am now feeling the pressure to just forget all of it...and I just don't think I can do that. It was too horrible. It shaped who I am too completely. There is no way I can forgive her telling me "your father thinks you are a disgusting excuse for a human being". and there is no fucking way I can forget that either.

Ugh.

We are also painting our bedroom. For some reason we painted it a darkish brown when we moved in. Since then we have discovered it looks like we live in a cave, and that it could really use some brightening up. So it's getting 3 coats of asparagus green. Because it needs 3 coats to cover up what we had done before. of course. ;)

Saw snow flakes the other day. Not cool.

Oh, and I have been baking like crazy for some reason. bread, cookies, you name it, I'm making it. Also made 8L of green tomato chow. It's awesome. :)

Vegan conversion is complete. Had my first cheese-less pizza last night. It was ok I guess. I wish I lived somewhere that had good vegan cheese selections. But I don't. And they were sold out of the crappy stuff, so I was left with no other option but vegan 'parm' on top. Again, ok, but no pizza....waaaaaaaaaaaa. LOL

today I shall make about 2lbs of seitan, and then will cook it in vegan gravy, and freeze for future use. I cannot get enough of this stuff. Goes so well with mashed potatoes and vegan yorkshires. omg. I'm in heaven. :D

This happened.

Just down the street from me. I was watching tv when the power went out. My first thought was..."I hope no one got fried"

well, I guess I was right. fuck me. I'm a little bit shaken up over this...not sure why. I guess it's the whole...'guy got up and went to work, guy died at work' bit.

but from what I can see this was a case of stupidity. He was out of the truck when the boom went into the wires, and it looks like he decided to get back into the truck (seriously, WTF!?!?!?!?) and when he touched the truck he got fried.

so I have to remember that yes, people do get killed at work, a lot of the time it's because something stupid occurs. Not calling the poor dead man stupid, I would guess he wasn't trained properly. and that sucks.

But yeah. Ick.

sleep

for most of my entire life I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. It goes back as far as I can remember, even further if you talk to my mother.

she would find me most mornings up around 4, playing with some toys in my crib, 'entertaining myself' as she said.

as a kid I remember lying in bed, wide awake. Hearing the sounds of the bigger kids still out around the street. as the sun went down I was still awake. as the neighbourhood became dark...still awake.

in high school, I would swim 4 hours a day. I had to get up at 445 every morning, swim from 530-730, go to school until 1530, off to the pool, 8km run some days prior to the pool, otherwise pool from 1630-1830. then home, homework, and sleep. Or no sleep.

I would watch the hours go by. Knowing how many hours of sleep I would get if I could only get to sleep that minute. and as morning approached that number became smaller and smaller..."if I sleep now I get 2 hours...".

then the moment my brain would finally allow me to sleep my alarm was going off, and I would start it all over again.

some days I was so tired in school I'd just say I wasn't feeling well and go and lie down in the nurses office. I didnt' sleep there either really, but was better than the horrible head nods I would get in class. I remember in computer class once...

"Miss Dagny!! Please just put your head down on the desk and sleep. I'm afraid you are going to break your nose on the next bob!!!"

Then came college. still the same. though the beer helped some days.

and then 1999 came. I was living at the cottage alone. It was October, and everyone else that would have been on the lake was long gone. It was only me and the cats and rats for a few miles radius I would think.

I started to sleep.

I slept and I slept.

I would wake up in the morning around 7am, check the weather and head to the airport. I'd fly a few hours with students, then back home by around noon. and I'd lie on my mattress and read a book...and fall asleep. Until dinner time, when I'd get up, eat, and go back to sleep.

I just slept, and slept.

I wondered if I was depressed.

but I didn't feel depressed.

but they say that if you are you don't think you are?

but yeah, I really don't think I was depressed.

I was thinking about it the other day. and I think I know the reason. it was because there were no other people around. I finally had the required buffer zone between me and other humans.

Ok, maybe that's crazy. But I still find it odd that after all these years I have not slept like that again. Because I have never been there alone like that since. And sleep still eludes me. but at least I know that there is a place that I can go if I have to get some really good sleep one day.

I retract my almost last post.

Yeah,

I mean duh. ART is no ones business.

I'm apparently bitter atm, that a 48 year old could get pg. Cause yeah, I'm bitter....

;)

also.

I had a shitty flight today.

can you tell?

UGH

Oh they must be...

Her own eggs.

Pardon me while I go and laugh my fucking ass off for a while.

I had no idea that almost 48 year olds could get knocked up on their own.

is it wrong I think they should have to admit it? cause I think they give false hope to other older desperate women. Just fucking admit it!!! I know it's not my business...I get that. but pretending that you haven't used ART and that you got pg with your own eggs at almost 48 years of age is just wrong.

thinking about...

one more round.

yeah, I know.

But Mr. dagny and I were talking about it the other night, and after meeting the awesome kid that lives behind us (born to 10+ year infertiles after having a dead baby as well, and raised by 'older' people) we really do at least want to think about trying one more time. Because he is just that awesome. I want to steal him. :D and those of you that know me know that I NEVER say that...LOL

not that it would work, I'm pretty sure it would not. but I am not sure I can live with the 'what if's' at this point.

I have a free round of ivf if I choose to use it. Yeah, that would be Mom's cash, but she's acting like a completely different person these days, so I dont' really have the strings attached worry going on anymore.

so yeah. I really wish I could just grow up and get over it, but something deep inside me nags away at me to try one more time. and only then can I put it to rest.

awesome.

anyway, this will probably be the last I will talk about it until we make a decision. I would like to be done chopper training by then, and at least know what the job market is looking like. If I can have a job already even better.

time will tell. at least this gives me an excuse to treat myself better. It would not be until the late winter/spring if I do it. so I have lots of time to think about it.

I fixed that post.

with the funny link.

Try it now. ;)

No matter how hard you try.

You can never, ever out run your past.

Never.

And that sucks.

hehehe

to view my blog in a hilarious new way.

click HERE.

It's funny, trust me. ;)